theJo-E: blog

Growing Up

2009-11-09T16:27:00.000-08:00

I haven’t blogged in a really long time but that isn’t such a bad thing. I’ve taken some time to further define the person I am and want to become and I can finally say that I’m really liking the person I’m becoming. But it doesn’t mean I’m anything near perfect. Just…I feel like I’m becoming me.

As you know I’ve stopped drinking and really going out for that matter. I just don’t see the use for it, for me specifically. I don’t have a desire to take my body out of it’s equilibrium with a poison if there is no constructive or productive outcome for it, and as well all know…the outcome is anything but productive. So, I stopped. As far as going out, well I do like to dance so I can justify that, but in reality, I’m not looking to associate myself with the kind of crowd that the gay club scene attracts. I feel like at this point in my life, the people I surround myself with need to be people of good substance and someone I can be a better person around. Not saying all the guys are like that that go to these places but the majority are, so I take myself out of the equation, not having the desire or energy to sift through to find the right ones.

I pride myself on my flamboyant personality and ability to fill myself in a crowd, sober or drunk, and my ability to make anyone really like me. It took sometime right there to develop that. I said that if I wasn’t going to fit in, damnit, I was gonna stick way the hell out. And I did, and luckily, I haven’t been beat up yet, but even now, as my insight and foresight grows more mature, I find myself becoming increasingly more uncomfortable in these same crowds. I find people’s drunken behavior obnoxious and pointless and I’m having a hard time finding entertainment with those I’ve always considered my friends. To my core I don’t feel like I’m “better” than them but I feel like I should. That or I need to shift to another crowd or group of friends that maybe have the same values as I do. But that, to me, seems like finding like minded people who mirror me and I know that that’s not possible, to find someone just like me. Damn, if I couldn’t find it in a boyfriend, how am I to find it in friends. That also makes me feel like I’m gearing up to abandon my current friends but I have no reason or desire to abandon years and years of friendship. You hear of people moving on as they get older, but I guess my problem is…I don’t have anywhere to move to. Am I just feeling alone? It’s been a while since I have so I don’t really know how that feels anymore, but am I intellectually bored with my company? Not stimulated in conversation and situations to feel like the person I am and want to become? I don’t know, but only time will tell…plus side…I’m on track and the train is going…no stopping me now.

wtf...

2009-09-20T16:52:00.000-07:00

...I have no idea why I can't be sane and/or normal. My mind seems to just flutter out of control sometimes...most of the time. The odd part is that I am able to identify and sort of observe my mind do these cartwheels and see the err but can do nothing about it. Partially because I'm schizo and one personality and seperately watch the others but still...I just wish I could be normal.

I keep wanting to date and I've even gotten over my plan to get things together before I start to date seriously, but I know that's too much of a risk. My wanting to date ends up taking alot of time, that it shouldn't and sometimes I stoop to lows that I'm ashamed of.

But first things first...I need to get rid of this gut.

My mom saw it as I was holding my baby nephew and told me to stop eating so late...funny thing is...I don't. I eat a salad of grilled chicken and spinach every night about an hour before I go to bed. Another funny thing is...I've lost about 6lbs, from not going to the gym...wtf...

When did I get old...

2009-08-29T06:32:00.001-07:00

Metaphoically speaking because, of course I know my birthday, but when did I get to the point when I hear "kids" talking and I just feel ancient. Today, I'm taking my chem class, albeit, I put it off and should have taken in freshman year. But there are some freshmen here who are speaking in amazement at how they can't believe you can leave class early if there is nothing else to do for that day and that class. Really? Have I been out of high school 4 years? That's what immediately went through my head. Sad. I'm fucking 22 and haven't had any real accomplishments in my life

Here we go again...

2009-08-24T16:17:00.001-07:00

The semester begins, to a bad start might I add. Not only did I wake with a throbbing migraine, it refused to subside dispite all All three kinds of Excedrin I took and two Tylenol, and then today at work, I have to start my single handed fully thorough preparations for Physical Inventory in two months. So, I figured I'd have a nice and easy first day of class, but wait, Jo-E's ridiculously and randomly insecure around people he doesn't know and has that feeling that everyone is looking at him, effin retard. Not only that, but he doesn't even want to see people he DOES know, wtf?! One of these days, I'm so sure I'm actually going to grow up, I know it...

Overly priced textbooks, here I come.

2009-08-22T14:32:00.000-07:00

So, here I am, back in the library to prepare for another semester. It's my routine, if you can call it that since it only takes place before the semester, to come to the library of my choice, since I love them all, and sit down and plan not only my day to day actions but my minute by minute actions for the semester to come. I found out the hard way that if I do not to this, NOTHING will get done but I've also become very reasonable with myself and my time. For example, I am prone to occasionally not follow my schedule and much rather take naps or literally not do anything. But, oh boy, am I ahead of myself now, I have actually scheduled 3 whole naps a WEEK, I'm siked. And you may say, you can't schedule the nap, but oh...I know my body and I know when I can effectively take a nice power nap so I have the utmost confidence in this. This semester once again is going to prove to be a challenge, I don't know many, any, people with my major that also has a full time job. I'm just very proud at the fact that I have come to a place where I don't let my job stress me out like it does many others in my position. I know at the end of the day, I get to go home and leave all what it may be back under the big yellow sign. And it doesn't hurt that I actually am good at what I do. Thankya JESUS!.

SO my vacation proved to be....pointless. Being broke allowed me to do absolutely nothing but slouch into one of those couch potatoes, but in my case, a bed potato. I broke one of my self-development rules and actually watched, and got slightly addicted to some reality shows but I know very well starting tomorrow that it'll have to stop. But thank the goodness for Bravo and it's fine line ups of reality shows. Why haven't I been addicted to Flipping Out, The Rachel Zoe Project, Top Chef, Real Housewives of Atlanta, and Project Runway before, I will never know but I bid adoo. Overly priced textbooks, here I come.

Growing up, on purpose.

2009-08-16T07:19:00.000-07:00

So, I just did my school schedule along with coordinating my daily activities, so that one may be able to actually sleep. Recently, along with my little break from school, I've only been taking one, maybe two classes at a time, but I'm literally never going to finish at that rate and I have a deadline of the age of 25, set by me, and I need to make it. That being said, I've schedule 4 classes this semester. One may think that's not that much, or at least normal, but I work full time. Monday through Friday, 6am to 2:30pm. Big chunk of the waking day, I know. You may say, oh well at least you have the weekends off. Well, I have a Saturday class from 8am to 4pm. Big chunk of waking day. My only "off times" are Friday evening, and then all day Sunday. For those of you that are currently in school with high level classes or any non-bullshit classes know that that is very well NOT enough time for crucial studying and homework doing. But I have to do it, it's just going to take more effort than I've been giving, and it has to stay constant. I have to grow up, on purpose, and get it done.

I say grow up on purpose because I've been purposely doing things, changing things, and NOT doing things that I consider a worldy adult does and what I should be doing to be a true adult. Now, it may seem I'm doing things based on someone else or some "mold" I've seen but I'm really sat down and tried to figure out why I want to do the things I'm doing, and I can honestly say, I want to do them because I want to do them.

What have I been doing?

I've cut off MTV. About 11 months clean now.

Most TV off, besides HGTV and FoodNetwork. See nothing wrong with that. lol

I've stop drinking. About 6 months clean now.

Started reading more, fiction and non-fiction.

Tried to wrangle my vanity, cut off all my hair.

Become more conservative with my spending.

Stop going to "parties" or functions where nothing really productive comes out of it besides watching those around me drink themselves silly. (Not anti-social, just selective on whom I spend time with)

I don't go to clubs at all.

I've decided, starting today, to no longer look at any celebrity gossip blogs, my indulgence, seeing how that provide no useful info my life and helping me reach my goals, but in fact take time away from what I can be doing to better myself.

I just feel I've done it all and it's time to stop and see what's better out there and more so see what will help me be the best ME I can be.

Justified

2009-08-11T18:15:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while but I've been adjusting my routine and with the start of school and the need for organized procrastination, I'm sure that will probably change...probably.

I swear I need some meds or something, you'd swear with all my mood swings. WTF is wrong with me?...lol

But anyhoo...

So I am ashamed but will admit that I have read a book or two on gay dating. Sad but true. I have recently come to enjoy the value of reading books, so now I pick up a book about any and everything.

But back to gay dating. I find it funny that as much as I have read about the start of relationships and how to do it, I still can not find myself to gather enough courage to just go talk to a guy. But I have a very good excuse...I think...the books do talk about our "excuses"...

I'm usually attracted...always...only attracted to more masculine guys...what percentage is actually gay....1.2. So my ODDS are in my favor to not say anything and hope I get something off a sly look.

See...justified...

Besides...I keep trying to convince myself not only will it happen when it's meant to happen, but I am not in the state to date right now...

I have so much time invested in work and school that I simply can not and should not spread myself any more thin...

See...justified....

sad.

Insecurity Alert

2009-07-18T07:59:00.000-07:00

Alot of things I would say, set my insecurities off, some I can't even define other than how they make me feel. Sometimes I can't even define how they make me feel at that other than uncomfortable. One is being recognized and remembered.

Now, if a psychologist would be to do a complete study of me, he would call this or reference this to my wanting to be a celebrity, maybe a projected paparazzi and fan complex. I can understand that, but I know for a fact that I'm not completely delusional to the fact that I'm a nobody, in the celebrity world sense, but it doesn't deter the fact that when I am remembered or recogonized by someone I would expect to forget me, I get really annoyed!

Example A. Receptionist at the doctors office. A months time went by between my visits and she remembered me enough to know without looking at my file what I payed and that I "looked" like I was better this time. Hmm...Now, I wouldn't expect a receptionist at a well public doctor's office to remember really ANYONE with as many people that go in and out of there...or maybe that's just me, but I don't like it.

Example B. My Banker. Now the only reason why I have a banker to begin with is because I had to change my checking account. SO I had my sit down with him, maybe a weeks prior. Come in again, NOT to see him but to deposit my check and he sees me and not only says hello, BUT calls me Jo-E!...ANNOYED!...I'd expect him to hardly remember my legal name, the name on my account, let alone my nickname...good effing lawd

Example C. This is a little stretch because it's their computer system, but none the less, ANNOYED!...I call in to Pei-Wei to order my usual. I give them the number and they proceed to tell me, "Jo-E, would you like to order the Lemon Pepper Chicken on Brown Rice with no Bean Sprouts, as usual?"....."Yes"....ANNOYED!

Is it so much that I like to remain anonymous?....ok, as I type, I realize how crazy I am, BUT STILL....ANNOYED!....

Why not?

2009-07-15T15:08:00.001-07:00

So, I've realized that I actually do have friends that want to hang out with me and do fun things. I just have to stop saying No when I'm asked to do something. It's not now that I feel that no ones asks me to do anything, I just seem to never feel like doing anything. That I can recognize as a sign of depression, and since I'm convinced that I'm not one to be clinical in anyway, I cut it out! When someone calls me wanting to do something, unless I have a previous engagement and it isn't something bad for me, I'm going for it...because why not?

I know I will be...

2009-07-12T09:22:00.001-07:00

I am so bad at posting, even with my blackberry at hand at all times. I go through the day and I think of a good post but never do it. It's funny because I've become much more responsible in many other aspects in my life but can't seem to tackle posting. Good lawd, what is wrong with me?

Anyhoo, since I have many thoughts about, this may seem more like a ramble but I'll try to keep it..sane.

First, I'm starting to feel really proud of myself. On my birthday, I didn't feel as if I accomplished anything in that year's time since my 21st and it kind of got me down, but recently, I've sat down, got out a pencil and pad, and set things in it's place and planned. Planned. Planned. Planned. I wrote down what I had down, wanted to do and most importantly, HOW I was going to do it. I'm reading Rich Dad, Poor Dad and one thing I got from it so far is that successful people don't come to a challenge and say "I can't do it," they say "HOW can I do it?" and this sort of planning on my part has made all the difference in my confidence because I can figure it out, put it on paper for me to see and see that I CAN do it. I'm hoping to have many things accomplished by my 23rd birthday, the only thing is to stay on plan, but I've even tried to factor in some variables and possible emergencies in case I tempted to fall off. I should be financially comfortable by January, and also at that time be starting some things to get my dreams realized. I've even found some new dreams of mine in these major planning sessions of mine. All around, I'm happy about where I'm going and hopeful of where I'll end up.

Next, over the past few weeks, I've learned and been put through, unvoluntarily, some major life lessons. I've gotten turned down for a job that I was perfectly qualified for not once, but twice and it's been a major task for me to deal with them "as an adult" and that I have. I've not made a big deal out of it, and just moved on. The funny and difficult thing is, is that everyone else doesn't expect me to act this way and are either shocked by it or seemingly forced to try to bring it out of me. But no successes, this is life and it doesn't end with this.

I've also come to learn that friends, well...what friends. I'm at the point where I can't rely on anyone but myself. Only I can get the things done I need to get done and it makes it so much easier to not have to depend on anyone else. All my close friendships have been extinguished and I can honestly say I'm ok with it. Those that have been "flakes" in my life, I've let go, not in a harsh way, but I'm very unforgiving and it's much less expensive emotionally and time-wise, to just forget and not deal with it. I feel myself growing and growing and trying to hold on to the old doesn't help me get to that higher place I want to be. So goodbye.

I've also been very proud of my physical goals that I've been creepin to. I'm nice to work so hard and see progress but I'm not there yet, but I know I will be....

...ok, thats enough for today...I'm going to try...TRY to keep up...for myself, more than anybody...

Impressions.

2009-06-30T16:48:00.000-07:00

I'm at the point of my life where I feel I am having to constantly impress people with myself.

Job Interviews.

Dates.

New friends.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to show people my bests in order to get in their good graces. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm not being real because I only want to show what they want to see. I'm so tired of it.

GAH!

Therapy...

2009-06-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

Because of work, I wake early naturally.

I've wanting to start swimming as part of cardio so I decided I should go early to get it out the way and to have less people there to witness the awkwardness of me trying to re-learn how to swim.

Few Laps and IM DONE.

I shower, head clear.

I drive.

and drive.

The morning sun is beautiful on the lake.

The air is warm but not scortching.

It will be soon, so I enjoy this.

The grass looks so green.

The sky clear with big fluffy clouds.

Deep breathes.

Subtle smile.

The world is beautiful.

Sometimes I just wish I could go somewhere where every moment would be that calm and gorgeous.

Therapy.

No heart.

2009-06-09T13:22:00.001-07:00

It's true. I'm a selfish bastard. I easily ignore other people's problems to serve my own. I even go as far as to exclaim how I don't care rather than letting my blatant actions do so. I justify it by saying how I have my own issues to take care of. No one helps me out so why should I pay it forward. I know that it's not "good" but I absolutely do not feel bad for what I do and say in regards. I've worked so hard to not have feelings, and its wierd now...because I truly don't.

Sunday Morning

2009-06-07T07:05:00.000-07:00

Every sunday, I have my computer alarm clock wake me up to Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning." I don't have anything to relate to the song lyrics what so ever, but something about the music just puts me in a good mood for the day. Sundays I usually go have breakfast at my sister-in-laws or my mother's and I see my young nephews. Then, I might do some shopping, and then come home to relax, vying that I did all my laundry and cleaning on Saturday. Music is really powerful to me for some reason, but I'm not sure it's not supposed to me. I wonder, would my days be the same without my "soundtracks?"

Twisted. Angry. Tired.

2009-06-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's amazing how one night can fill me with so many ideas and just random stuff in my head. Tonight my little brother graduated. Now, if you know me, I think graduation ceremonies, and "ceremonies" in general are outdated and pointless but with the year he's had, it's a major feat for him to have graduated and for that I am proud. But right now I'm so twisted.

I don't like to go deep into my personal affairs nor my family's but I feel I need to converse about this.

I feel that with his disadvantages, I need to help him get into school and help him through but at the same time, I still need to help myself. I feel I need to walk him through the processes and how to do everything, but then I think, he's 18 and when I was 18, NO ONE helped me. I did everything for myself, and continue to this day. Sure, my advantages was I had a car and eventually my dad co-signed my loan for my first year. But then I think, I've been working since I was 16, I've paid for all my cars and continue, at this day, I pay for school on my own without any help.

I basically feel that, I want to help him, but at the same time think about how no one helped me, as far as getting into school and what to do to do it and everything after, and I think about how I still need to help myself. I have plenty of affairs and orders to deal with in order to even get myself to what I would call "Together" so how can I spread my energy and efforts out to someone else, regardless of relation.

Tonight also brings my anger. I didn't walk at my graduation partly because I wasn't really into the kids that I was graduating with. I came in Junior year and alot of kids were not that nice or cordial, not that it should be surprising, I mean, it is high school in the burbs, but it wasn't worth all the mess to walk across the stage. But then tonight I see all the pomp and circumstance they give at Dickinson for the valedictorian and it reminded me. My GPA at Clear Lake was higher than that of the Valedictorian in my class at Dickinson. But at Clear Lake I was 17%. Could I have been Valedictorian at DHS? Very possibly. Could that have given me better opportunities as far as school goes? Very likely. 4 years later and it pisses me off, what my parents made me do, for their ignorance and misjudgements. I'm angry situations could have been different and I'm angry I can't do anything about them now but still seem to be dealing with the effects.

I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing anything worth wild. I'm tired of feeling insignificant. I'm just tired of it. I talked about being patient, and I know that with time things will happen....but damn...I dunno...

On Track

2009-06-03T19:50:00.001-07:00

A few years ago, without a defined goal in my life, I decided that I would need to learn how to have patience and I have to tell you, it's paid off. It was when I decided I needed to cut the stress in my life and half the things that go on in my day that keep me from being happy, I can just wait out and, well basically, not be unhappy about them. I don't want to say not care, because certain matters, I do care or need to care, but stressing, being pissy, and taking my emotions out of their equilibrium does NOTHING for any situation at hand, but make them worse to deal with, thus, I began to force patience on myself in order to deal with them calmly, and now it comes natural. I can go to the gym and not stress that I don't look like the guys there, let alone, I don't look like the guys I'm attracted to. I know if I continue my progress, I'll get there. No use in being stressed at it now, because it's not going to happen now. Things take time...as long as I stay on track.

Hmmm

2009-06-02T15:33:00.001-07:00

::awkward convo::

::phone vibrates::

::quick glance::

"I'm sorry, I have to go"

::dashes off, no look back::

...Story of my dating

just...blah

2009-06-01T16:33:00.000-07:00

...Somedays, I get home from work and I have a list of things I want to do (schedule dentist appt, read a chapter in my book, go to gym, etc) to keep myself busy and productive but instead, I find myself with the TV on but muted, and surfing online for...nothing. And then, I'll lay in bed for almost 2 hours, and NOT nap doing...nothing. I don't think I'm depressed but, I don't know why I do it. Again, I've been depressed, on the verge of tears at every moment, sometimes for reasons I manifest and exaggerate, and sometimes for none at all, but I'm not at that. I'm not particularly sad about anything right now. Just...blah...that's all I feel...blah...

It's wierd because, I know I have reason to feel "lonely" like I have in the past, but I don't really feel that. I'm single. All my friends pretty much flake on me (that's no exaggeration) but it's like my heart is ok with it when my mind is like, you are such a lonely loser. I don't know why I complain when I did spend sometime really trying to make it where I didn't feel it, but why hasn't my mind gotten with the program? Seriously...what the fuck is wrong with me? My introspective can only take me so far but I know I'm way to stubborn and proud to listen to anyone else. Maybe I'll stumble upon the answer one of these days if I just keep asking myself these questions.

What did I do?

2009-05-31T19:07:00.001-07:00

This actually happened a few months ago but this is about the last time I went on a traditional date.

I met this guy online. He was my age, hispanic, calm natured, my height, my weight, and super cute. We talked a bit online and liked each other enough to meet for dinner. We met at the Olive Garden off of the Beltway and 45. Just like his pictures, he was sooo cute, we even dressed similarly, so off course, in my mind, I was screaming "YESSS!!!" But...no

He was quiet most of the time, I found myself talking mostly just to end the silence. He explained he was shy and tired. I believed it, so I tried to bring smiles and laughs only to have half smiles, no eye contact, and forced laughs. He began to rush out of dinner, asking for the check when asked about desert and looking antsy to leave. We left, I of course paid for dinner and he ended with a firm and thank you hand shake.

He didn't answer my call (singular) or any of my texts (plural), even the ones where I admitted to understanding he wasn't into me but I'd like to maybe be friends since it was rare for me to find another gay guy who was as calm natured and conservative as I was. But...

Never heard from him again.

The logical side of me understands that this is typical dating, and that it happens all the time, and I can't get rung up over one bad date when the city is probably full of guys I'd like, I just haven't found them yet...but the other side asks..."What did I do?"

Adventures into Gay World...

2009-05-30T07:23:00.001-07:00

...of course, my daily habits of doing nothing but being with myself dig a huge hole in my....can't think of the appropriate metaphoric body part. Not heart, not gut, maybe ego? No, it's something else. It leaves me craving for something. Not companionship, not activity. Just something. I don't know, maybe I shouldn't be blogging if I can't get my words right, but I need to why it's on my mind.

Anywho, it's understandable that when I spend my week with myself, keeping myself active with reading and the gym that at the end, I need a change of pace. After many...many...many...a lot of forays into the "Gay World" and all of which turn out inconclusive, nonproductive, and ego blowing, I still manage to muster up the courage and will to enter it again. Now, none of my associates in life are gay and anyone who I know that may stumble across this blog will not know what I mean by "Gay World." You may think you do...but trust me...you don't.

I don't go and won't go much into detail because...it'll probably be too much. But let me start off by saying that the "Gay World" goes FAR beyond the clubs. Far. I think most people's perception are the techno music, old men going after young boys, and drag queens. Although this is a part of it...it's NO WHERE near all of it. You have to know, that gay culture spreads across every age, and race and thus has its spectrums. I remember taking my friends to Blur which is a gay Black and Latino club where they play latino music, rap, R&B, and it blew their mind because the previous connotation was all they'd known. I remember my first trip to Club 2020 which is a bonafide gay THUG club. I was blown away. And then there are other places...outside the clubs...where gay men fester...

One of which are the bath houses. I was first shown the concept on the Showtime show "Queer as Folk" where gay permiscuity was common. It seemed normal. In the show the characters would frequent a "bath house" where there was a gym, and some spa amenities such as steam room, hot tubs, showers, saunas, and the like. The most intriquing part of it that always stuck in my mind were these dark hallways, lined with doors, some closed, some open with guys waiting inside small rooms with beds and TVs where they had hungry looks in their eyes. Some were engaged in "activity" with other men and if they weren't, they were about to. It was so odd to me that a place could exist and I figured it was glammed up for the TV show and it's gay sex appeal...but it wasn't.

I'm definetly not going into details, but let's just say that I've come to know certain like places in Houston, where someone can indulge in perversions very similar if not the same to the above television scenarios. It's again, mind blowing to me to see these things in real life. This...world. And I know who I am and I wouldn't change it for the world, but I don't think I want to be apart of this world. But my fear is...if I don't accept it for what it is, I will end up a child between worlds. A child without a home. Out of place. And what kind of life will that be.

Taken a note to myself, even being the OLD ASS age I am, I know I still have yet to see all of what the "Gay World" can offer. I'm looking into volunteer groups, Gay Men's Chorous, some theater, and outdoors groups that cater to gay men where maybe I can be a positive and productive member of the world. Maybe, I shouldn't let the shadows turn me away...but those shadows are dark...so we'll see...

Life Lessons

2009-05-28T19:54:00.003-07:00

Just because you are perfectly qualified for the job, doesn't mean you'll get it. Sometimes looks play a part....and maybe some side "jobs"

Depressed?...

2009-05-28T15:51:00.000-07:00

...I don't think so. I've been "depressed" and I'm no where near where that was...

My friend has called my newly-found ( I say adjusted) anti-socialness a form of depression. I'm coming to terms with my situations, as I call them, and I'm making myself happy with them. I enjoy not going out. I enjoy not dating. I enjoy doing nothing but reading on the weekends. I enjoy not being called to hang out. I enjoy not making new friends. I am happy. Very.

Convinced?...well.

I don't really know how I feel then. But I know, I'm not as unhappy as I was in previous years. I've come to terms with what I am and what I have in my life. I've gotten over the fact that crying and feeling back isn't going to make anything better. Just pressing on and making the best of what the situation is will only do. I do that. SO I'm def not depressed.

...but I'll be honest and say it isn't complete happiness.

Not satisfied...

2009-05-27T15:27:00.000-07:00

...ok this entry will deroute from my normal self analysis to just be bitchy...which may be an analysis in disguise...? maybe.

Ok, so I just got down reading the children's fantasy novel series, Percy Jackson and the Olympians.

The concept is that Percy is the half-god/half-human child of Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea. He discovers that all of Greek mythology is true and real in modern times as well. The series follows his quests and battles with monsters, fulfilling a "Great Prophecy" and trying to stop the evil titan Lord Kronos from destroying Mount Olympus, situated 600 floors about the Empire State building, and creating world chaos.

Overall, the read was very entertaining, being a fan of Greek mythology as a child, I enjoyed the references.

However, finishing, I was left...not satisfied.

The author left many wholes and left alot of things vague. First, he ended the series with a new "Great Phophecy" which is cool for another book series but now I need to know what it means! And since I'm late to discover the book series, I was able to buy all the books and readily have the next one at hand to read when I got down with one, which only took me 2 days during the week and only one day on the weekend. So when this new series does come out, I don't believe I'll be able to wait the year in between books. 364 days is a long time.

Second, I'm not even sure how dramatic and majestic the new series will be. Percy, being a son of one of the "Big Three" gods (Zeus, Posedion, and Hades) was a blashpemy because of an oath they had took to not sire mortal children to prevent the prophecy. And demigods, as they are called, by those three are extremely powerful, way more than the rest. At the end of the series, the oath was thrown out, allowing more to be sired. I don't know if I can take a book with a multitude of powerful protaganists. It won't be as regal, ya know?

Third, when they did "Defeat" Kronos, he just kind of disappeared. No one knew where he went. In classic mythology, Kronos was first defeated after a 14 year war and when he was, he had to be cut into a million pieces to entrap him in the depths of Tarturus. In the series, he had only collected enough of him to have a consciousness and some powers but not all. I don't see, with the ending it had, that he'd be so easily defeated, but maybe this is another lead to the new series. Regardless, the battle in this book only took about a week. Now the gods this time did have the help of a FEW demigods but I don't see that being a serious advantage to shorten it down from 14 years. But then again Kronos wasn't at full power. But then again, Kronos had minor gods help too....

I'm rambling, but again, I'm not happy. Is this what I get for reading a children's novel series, with not that complex of a story line....or was this the author's intent...again, while it was going, I was very entertained...I dunno...I'm bitchin....later

Why do I keep trying...

2009-05-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

I don't even know.

I set myself on the path to become the person I wanted to become. Someone I thought of substance that would be a happy person. A real person. A person people would be attracted to. But the later seems to not be true.

I've stop drinking and a side effect seems to be the distaste of "partying." Now there is a difference between going out and dancing my ass off and "partying." I love to dance but I don't really like to be around super drunk guys or girls who aren't really dancing but just acting a fool. But that doesn't really matter because they DEF don't like being around me. THEY get really disinterested and move along. Should I be mad? Upset? Lonely? No.

But I am.

People close to me know, or maybe suspect, that I had that insatiable need to have any and everyone like me to some degree. And being frank, naturally, I can be good at it. It surprises some of my friends when I do meet someone they know who they would call a "bigit" and wouldn't really be warm to me and the next thing they know, I'm all they can talk about. Cases like those, I don't even try. But it seems when I'm on my own, I try. And Fail.

When I go out, and I am alone, my task to myself is to overcome being shy and introverted and be someone that other people want to meet. How else am I supposed to meet people? meet guys?

I talk. Say something funny. They laugh. Then lose interest. It's a cycle. I'll be honest and say when I am on my own, I'm not the vibrant person I am. I wouldn't say my shyness shuts me up, because I don't feel like I'm holding the beast within, I just wouldn't send any flares up showing I'm a riot. Maybe that is what's wrong with me. Maybe I do need to "act out" a little more to draw interest.

The good thing through this is that regardless of how "out of place" I feel in these situations, it hasn't tempted me to just grab a drink to "loosen" up. I'm determined to keep my path of being someone of real substance and drinking is just not something I want to do.

All this depresses me in the moment and yeah, a tear may roll down my face as I drive away, trying to analyze what in fact is wrong with me, but I know in the morning, I'm fine and still happy with the person I am and becoming. Just gotta have patience and I know my happyness will come.

I know it.

Year 1

2009-05-19T15:22:00.001-07:00

A year ago. I promised myself a 4 year plan at bettering myself. Each day and significantly each year, I'd be able to note progression in my life and reaching my goal. But today I bear the frown because, I can't note any progress. I've tried my hardest but I don't seem to be getting any better. Sure I can say that some habits of mine that aren't that good, I've been able to extinguish but overall, nothing major. I'm not celebrating at all. Nothing to celebrate in this year of getting older. But I'm still alive and have to do better. I have to. Must.

Sad times...

2009-04-22T15:31:00.000-07:00

A little boy, 11 years old, took his life last week, supposedly because of constant tauntings and bullying, calling him "gay and a snitch."...

All this follows a previous boy, killing himself, thought to be because of similar reasons...

...being honest...to read these articles...I cried...and to type this, my eyes water...

...because I was once at a very, very close point to where they were...

I'm thankful for the circumstances that did prevent me from...going through the act...

But I know, I was very close...

...and the be told that there are those, so young, as I was, that do...

...hurts the hell out of me...

I remember when I was at my awakening to the cruelties in the world. I began to somehow feel for others and get sad at the fact that so many people are in pain because of the social atmosphere that has developed in not only our country, but humanity in general. I can't imagine being persecuted for something you can't control. Let it be skin color, your beliefs, your likings, your tastes, but in this case, your sexuality. But lets break it down...

...these were kids. Albeit, I did know very early on, the fact that these bullies focused on something so undeveloped at age 11, sexuality, enough to make a young boy feel like he can't live his life happy....hurts the hell out of me...

again...

...because I was at the same place...

and it doesn't feel like that long ago...

I guess. I get upset at the fact that some people can't break through their struggles and find happiness in it's simplest forms. Because that's all I want people to be....

Happy.

So...

2009-04-21T15:33:00.000-07:00

...I really don't know why I haven't blogged in a while...I've been falling out of my routine, which isn't a good thing for productivity's sake, it just seems to not be that many hours in the day to get done all I need to get done...and sleep. A couple of weeks ago, I was troubled with a constant headache I was sure was malignant. Turns out it was just a severe migraine brought on my exertion and lack of sleep. I can't blame poor diet because that's one thing I haven't skipped on. My oatmeal in the morning, turkey sandwich, salad and fruit for lunch, occasional afternoon sandwich and my fish or chicken and rice and salad dinner all while drinking my jug of water. So it had to be the other factors that mingle in my body being thrown off it's equilibrium.

After semi-forcing myself to go out in "the scene" a couple of times these past weekends, I've ultimately decided that I really just don't enjoy it. I knew I really wouldn't before but I haven't really tried it and now I see that it's just not for me. Just in the case of drinking, I've never really enjoyed it but wouldn't go so far as to say that I only did it because my peers engaged in it. Just I tried it, and it's not for me.

I think I've made some substantial progress in my personal growth that I'm happy with, so I can't complain. I can see more clearly each day the person I am becoming and so far it's a good person. I wouldn't be so bold to see myself being a role model but I would say that I see myself being a rock. A firm presense in someone's life that can't be easily swayed for the bad and can be someone to count on....but who knows....events in the past have proven to supercede the journies layed ahead.

The Winds

2009-03-23T15:43:00.000-07:00

It's that time when I feel I need to make a sudden but subtle change in my life. Subtle in the sense that no one will notice besides me. Somethings happen over time, gradually and naturally but I think I am sound of mind enough to know when it's time for me to make the neccessary changes in order to become the person I am aiming to be and to meet particular temporal goals I have set for myself.

I am going to crack down and stop some of the acts that I have been engaging in for temporary satisfaction and start building for the long term. I am going to stop being lazy towards other things that I have thought to be meaningless but know will help be get to the better. Everything is for the better and I know this and will act as if it is the most important thing.

Spring Break this year was a good one. I didn't have to spend alot of money and I didn't need alot of people around me. I was reminded how much I do love the outdoors and the simple things in life, like reading in a coffee shop and discovering new house architecture. I think I try to be so complex to seem interesting but maybe I'm just not that kind of guy. And maybe I'll be ok with that.

Hmm...

2009-03-10T14:26:00.000-07:00

...so in my field of dating, there is something I get alot. "I'm not into Blacks" or "Whites or Latinos only"...discouraging, right? At first, I made myself feel better saying, well, we are allowed our preferences, but as I saw it more and more, it made feel more and more discouraged, that regardless of what I was looking for to begin with, I'm getting turned down because of the color of my skin. Sexual racism? No, because again, we are allowed our sexual preferences. I figured it'd be just the same as say a chubby chaser only liking thick boys or someone tall only liking those that are similar in height....right?

Well, I came across a very interesting piece of literature that put it so well, I understood, not that it didn't take away any of my discouragement but it did make me feel better about myself for knowing.

In gay media, guys are all mostly white, some latino, with big muscles, big penises, and like sex all the time. This is what is driven in our brains as what we want and when those that go out to pursue real life experiences with other males, this is what they search for. What's wrong with this, well, not all that exists in real life. Sure, I work out and I have been blessed with certain equipment requirements but if I was so oblivious to this imprinting, what was I to feel about myself because I could never be white. This is why I feel better about myself so much now, because I know I can't change myself for others images and I can work on being the best me I can be. Also, I can look for real people, not that I personally haven't always, but I don't have an image I'm after.

Sure at the end of the day, there are still gonna be those that I'm limited to because they still believe in this, but they aren't for me. Maybe I'll meet someone on the same path as me...that's the only image I'll be lookin for....

Sean Connery is a sexy devil...

2009-03-07T20:18:00.000-08:00

...I've been working on a series of serious entries, thus my absense. I'm really working on being a better writer for my self-development.

Today, I didn't do much though. Today...was one of those days, where no matter how much I try to be a happy person...my loneliness creeps in.

I woke up at 8:30am, without an alarm. Started a load of my gargantuan laundry and fixed a bowl of oatmeal and toast. I watched a cute gay movie called "All Over the Guy," which of course made me want to date more than ever. In between loads...of laundry...I took multiple quick naps. Made pasta and salad for lunch and watched "Sex and the City". Did my dishes, took a long luxurious shower and made myself dinner. I'm crawled up in bed now, it's 10:25pm and watching "Entrapment."

I don't necessarily wish I was out and about, but I do wish I didn't feel so lonely. It seems inevitable. When you spend a whole day alone, doing meaningless but needed tasks, you...I can't help it. ....The gay movie didn't help any bit either...

...I'm smart enough.

2009-03-02T19:17:00.000-08:00

I have so many things I want to talk about in depth from recent days but I'll spread them out through out the week hoping that I won't come upon any more major epiphanies...

...This weekend was a major turning point I believe, for I reached a new low.

Please note before I proceed on, when I write my posts over depressing issues of mine, I never write with that same tone or feeling. I write after I have not only gotten over it but also self-analyzed it in order for me to speak on it, so please don't think I'm looking for pity. This is just a reflection of my mind....hmm...I like the sound of that...

To those that closely know me...I have been engaging in a large series of...perversions, to be safe...in order to fill a somewhat of a void. The only problem was, after I would partake in these "Acts," there would only be a feeling of emptyness. Nothing. Not happyness, or fulfilling. Just. Nothing.

Hormonal distress could be the main factor in these events, but I press to believe otherwise. What was I really looking for? Better yet, what was I really hoping for? I'm not a stranger to the feeling of being alone, so I don't want to believe that is why I go out and do these things, but is it?

Some days, nothing would happen, but golly, do I want it. I hope for nothing but it and some days, I'll go through great lengths in order to make it happen. This the meaning of perversion, in it's abnormal connotation. My routine stops. Somedays I try so hard and just fail and I'd have literally done nothing else that day.

My goals is to be a better person and I really do want to be better than what I have been becoming, but it's so hard. Especially with all these moods that come and go with me. I'm not one to jump on the medical bandwagon, but I'm smart enough to see that I literally have major mood swings. Maybe I should look deeper into it. But until then...I'm going to keep working on myself. Because I know I can do it, and like I said before...I'm smart enough.

Just One of THOSE days...

2009-02-26T16:09:00.000-08:00

...when you can't focus.

When your routine is shut down.

Nothing productive is done.

You don't even eat right.

You can't stop thinkin about it.

No matter how hard you try.

Hard is the key word.

You don't want to think about it.

...

You can't help but think about it.

It's like being influenced by a foreign substance.

But this is all you.

You say things you shouldn't

Say things you know you'll regret.

But it doesn't matter right now.

It's just....doesn't.

You don't wanna do what you know you need to.

SO you hold it off.

Making it worse.

Worse.

FUCK IT!

...

Satisfied.

Empty.

"FUCK! Did that text send?"

Correct me if I'm wrong...

2009-02-24T16:00:00.000-08:00

What is on my mind today? Bunch of blah, really...I could make something up and hope to go somewhere with substance...nah...I could do tales of my shallowness of the day...like how I truly believe that a good body can NOT always trump an fugly face...or how fat people can really annoy me with their presence...nah, not today...how about I do a tale of fact...a chronicle, shall I say.

A Chronicle of the Gay Black Nerd.

Nah....lol...I'm actually not comfortable yet broadcasting some of my dirty tales for all to read...but ask me in person, and I'd surely tell you a juicy one...

There is one thing on my mind that I'd like to share an opinion on.

There is talk on the news about bailouts and what nots in regards to the America paying off their debts, specifically their mortgages. Right before I left my house, there was talk about a package plan to help Americans pay other debts in order to raise their credit score so that they may be able to qualify for mortgages to buy homes.

Here is my take on it and please note, this is just my perception, I did NOT pass Economics with flying colors and I'm not a finance major.

I think that if the "American" is not able to pay off petty debts (Credit cards, smaller loans, etc) then how are they supposed to be responsible for the major debt of a home? Am I not correct in understanding that we DO have a mortgage and foreclosure crisis in America? I don't think adding to the problem is going the help the problem. I'm all for the liberal politics even though I'm not into politics, but from my own personal financial experience and problems, I think it's best for the common "American" to step up and be self reliant and responsible for their own finances with out a hand out and work and strife to make and better themselves. That's what I thought America was about, being able to work hard to get whatever you need and want. All it takes is hard work and I think too many people are giddy about a hand out that they don't even considerate it an option for the better.

I think that those that are going through foreclosure are at their own faults for A.) Not budgeting for all circumstances B.) Not reading thoroughly about adjustable rates and what they will REALLY be paying and when and C.) Plain not being financially responsible. Now I don't want to seem stale hearted because I can only imagine losing my home, but you can NOT blame anyone else in these cases. Some want to lay blame on banks and mortgage companies for shifty practices and I'm sure some do slide things on the sly, but if everything wasn't written out SOMEWHERE then there'd be plenty of grounds for plausible lawsuits, but I have yet to be aware of any.

I'm not the most financially suavy, but I'm glad I'm learning my lesson at this age about debt, so that when I do get to the point where I can buy a home, I'd know exactly what to do and what not to do.

Just my opinion...correct me if I'm wrong...

I'll Keep Asking My Questions...

2009-02-23T16:00:00.000-08:00

Being real. My expectations are probably too high. In almost every aspect of my life. From what I want to be doing with my life to who I want to love.

How do I grow to a point where I can truly accept what is and what will be? Now, I contradict my past reasoning...(off track, the guy in the library whom I've only viewed from side, is TOTALLY NOT cute frontward)...since I've always thought that my dreams can be accomplished with me being a reasonable and over analyitcal person, nothing has ever been too far fetched...but I included the keyword "truly." There is that little hidden sliver that says "more." It's normal to want more, right? But when is it enough? And when will I really be ok...with enough?

I've always been scared to set myself on a track in fear that I might decide I want something else. Will I really want to do ComSci? What about my celebrity ambitions? Well, those, I've kept clandestine because I do know how far fetched THEY are, but you know what I mean? You can't really help those feelings of what else?

But what I'm really worried about is a relationship. We all know, Jo-E doesn't have the most self-esteem (Devonte does) but set that aside. One of my fears is...if I emotionally invest myself in someone, what happens if someone better comes along? Worst, what if they come along for the other person? What stops you in the situation from wanting more? And what conotations come from "settling?" Saying "enough" in that case seem unfulfilling and disappointing to me. I would never want that in my life.

I'm scared. But I know someway or another, it'll be ok. I can't possibly understand without being in a real relationship...ever. So I'm hoping one day, I will. Until then...I'll keep asking my questions.

EDN: Emotionally Dramatic Night

2009-02-22T11:39:00.000-08:00

I've accepted that sometimes, as much as a "developed" person I try to be, it's ok to give in to petty, unproductive emotions. I'm not artificial, I can act human. Last night was no exception.

Saturday. Spent watching gay-themed independent movies, fresh off the torrents, none of which had any good endings. What's up with that? Romantic comedies, false to life ending. Dramatics...cheesy. Some disturbing. When am I going to feel good about myself? Good lord.

All my plans seem to fall through, everyone wants to stay at home or are broke. Likewise, but I needed to get out. I txt a girlfriend to go see Coraline in 3d since I've heard nothing but good things and it's the last weekend in 3d. So she agrees to go.

Good movie, def not specifically for kids but good none the less, could of had more 3d in your face kind of graphics but it sufficed.

By the time the movie let out it was around midnight. I wasn't ready to call it a night but I didn't know what I wanted to do. Sighs. Montrose.

I drive to Montrose, ride around looking for parking all the time thinking, what am I really doing here? What am I possibly going to do but stand around hoping someone attractive comes to talk to me and becomes the love of my life, when I know, no one is going to say anything and I'm just gonna leave an upset little queer.

I park.

Get out. Walk about half a block before deciding to go back.

No, I'm here, might as well go.

I walk to the bar, get in, and do a lap.

Eyes down, don't make eye contact, people might see my patheticness.

Get a drink, guy at bar, gives me dirty look. Story of my life.

Do lap. Eyes at drink.

Sit at bar. Getting bumped too much. Can't see pool table.

Get up, Circle around front, Am I in a tunnel of people staring at me?

Walking up side. Who the fuck is bumping into me?

Michael.

Dirty, comical look. Glared eyes back. Semi smile. Sip of drink.

I try to make a smooth get away.

"Did you say something to me?"

"Nope". Turn around, stand at bar, look at strippers.

Txt: [Wow. Ok, Nice to meet you too, have a good life]

Txt: [What's the deal?]

Txt: [Nuttin at all. Bye]

Txt:[I'm sorry, I came here alone with mixed feeling and I'm not sure how I feel about being really reminded of that]

Txt:[Ok]

Stand at bar for a little while. Look around. Are they talkin about me, look down.

This muscly drag bitch keeps elbowing me. Time to go.

Leave. Upset, lonely, empty.

Sunday morning. I'm fine.

I love that I really don't need to vent because a day gives me all the time I need to psychoanalyze myself and I'm fine.

I was indeed feeling lonely and being as hopeful as I am I figured I put myself in the scene hoping a miracle would happen to cure my lonelyness. I know by now that I really don't get hit on by anyone I'd be interested in so I don't even know why I go out anymore alone. Pointless. Other than that small sliver of hope. I need to get rid of that pronto.

Michael.

Now, Michael was someone I started to see on the regular. For about two months. Never really lasted that long to anyone so it meant something to me, even though, it wasn't official or anything and we did talk about how neither of us were really able to "Commit," I thought it was significant for me to actually like like someone and them not be appalled at the fact. But like normal, I figured he tired of me and stop calling, stop txting, when I'd ask to come over, he's be busy or it'd be a bad night so I gave up wbefore I put too much hope into it and got really hurt. No problem, I did good with this one, exceptionally actually for it to have had lasted as long as it did. However, seeing him and he acting all coyfully playful was NOT what I needed last night and not something I was willing to let myself fall into. False hope. It's not needed or wanted and I'm determined to better than that.

Life goes on. These things don't make me and they shouldn't break me. Again, I'm allowed to have one night where I slip and I'm vunerable to these kind of emotions because if I don't keep pushing upward, I'd lose my strength. And I know I'm a strong person.

Just gotta keep at it. Not built yet.

the inevitable...

2009-02-19T15:55:00.000-08:00

..anyone that knows me, knows my greatest fear is that of which we can't control, from weather disasters to people's bad judgements. But something that has elluded my realm of fear is that of which can be possible in my own life, i.e. certain outcomes. There are possibilities that I might have to accept, pertaining to exactly how my life might turn out. I might not become famous, let alone really secure. But the thing on my mind right now is...it is realisitic that I might not be able to find that one...love.

I know it sounds corny, but no one wants to be alone. No one. But with some people I've met or seen, it's all very possible. And being realistic, the sooner I prepare myself for such an outcome the better off I know I'll be. But how do you lower your expectations and hope, truthfully. How do you not wish for something you really want? Truthfully. I've once told a friend this very thing, in support of his own situations but the truth is, I don't think it's possible. They say hope for the best but prepare for the worst, and I guess that's exactly what I must do. If I'm to be truley happy...which again...I must maintain.

Hindsight is 20/20...

2009-02-17T15:22:00.000-08:00

...that's what they say, right? When you come up on something that you SHOULD have done and it makes so much sense now. Regrets. That's all it is. You regret something you did do or you didn't and since it is in the past, you can't change it.

Now that I think of it more, it seems so much severe for a basic word of "regret." Is there another word that I am not thinking of at the moment. Not only do you regret, you are either scared or afraid. You are worried, you are anxious. You are sad, you are upset. I feel so much more than regret. I feel...out of place, confused, but understanding. Blank. I know time heals all wounds....but goddamnit, what's the word for what I'm feeling now....GAH!

...asshole...

2009-02-09T15:26:00.000-08:00

So...

...fun and interesting weekend in ATX. I seem to always have a good time, regardless, and I never seem to fail at showin my ass, but all is good. (When I say showing my ass, I don't mean literally, I mean I do something embarrassing.)

I really, really wish situations were different and circustances in the past did not play the way they did so that maybe I could be finishing up my last semester at UT as well. It's just such a great city-match for someone like me at my age. Different but not too far. Just enough jump to set a further one in place. But all I can do is sigh, and move with what I got and make it work. That's all you can do.

So Vegas isn't happening but the reasoning is serious to the point that my mind is on it and not my selfish joy. Life is too short to worry about the little things and I know we'll get another chance. The situation at hand must be addressed and all energy and prayers must be focused towards it. I'm being vague for a reason because it's not really my business to tell....OMFG!!!!! the guy next to me in the library keeps burping out loud!!! EWWWWWWW!...sorry, omfg, I am so disgusted......omfg....stupid bitch....GAH!....I digress....not mine to tell.....Asshole....

...short and sweet...

2009-01-29T15:50:00.001-08:00

So...I'm not quite sure how to eloquently put my "message" of the day, so bare with me. I'm trying to be a good writer (side note: I hated and failed miserably at English in high school.)

Some days the training wheels come off, and you may be scared and/or nervous, but being strong, and pushing through makes you a stronger person. And growth will come. You are nervous because of the change, and everyone frets at change, but change is inevitable and must be accepted. Moving on is the best. There...short and sweet.

...wisdom of the day...

2009-01-28T16:02:00.000-08:00

I'm in the library...lookin at a hot boy...listening to an ugly talk about how apparently he is emo now and not skater because one clothing retailer said they stop selling skater and are now emo thus he is emo because he still shops there....OH and how he is doing his own piercings and messing them up on different girls...wow....

ANYWAYS....

I don't understand why people "hate." Situation in question. I was at work, wearing what I normally do...whatever the hell I want...and people HAD to comment and when I say comment, I mean make smart ass remarks...like "nice shirt" or "i didn't know it was tshirt day"....I do what I normally do and just smile and say "thank you," completely disregarding their tones and smirks when they say it. I mean...its really unnessessary for you to be so negative...it takes away from that moment that you can be happy. Leave it be...just leave it be....go on...live your life and pay little attention to what others do when it does not affect you....wisdom of the day....

Officially...

2009-01-27T15:41:00.000-08:00

...I'm technically single...not really wanting to go into details, but it's all good because this time I definetley did not get my hopes up. And I can safely AND securely say that I really don't need to be in a relationship at this point in my life...I have too much to accomplish before I can really feel...worthy...

That's something I have been really thinking about lately. Am I worth anything? When you date someone, there are things that make them up that makes them "worth" dating, right? Sure, you have your "personality" aspect, are they someone that you can get along with or are there quirks and things about them individually that fascinate and excite you, but what about all the other stuff? Do they have a good job, albeit, do they have a good future? Are they sound, mentally, physically, and most importantly now, financially? Do they live at home, have a car, yadda yadda yadda, you get my point. Contrary to what some may believe when I say this, I'm not being Donny Downer. I don't feel like I'm worth anything...yet. I have so much to work for to get to be someone I feel is worthy to wholesomely date. Maybe have a degree under my belt and a good job. Healthy hobbies, good exercise routine. Basically a solid and sound base to build a life on. THEN at that point maybe I can look and find someone to share it with...until then...screw boys...

....literally...:)

So far...

2009-01-26T14:40:00.000-08:00

...I am determined to stay extra organized this semester to stay on track. I have even created a detailed calender of reoccuring weekly activities and sychronized it to my Blackberry with 15 min alerts. I am even determined to go to the gym 6 days a weeks including group exercise classes. I want to attend Amp'd Abs 4 days a week and then Shadowboxing and Kickboxing once. Figured I can use a little aggression release into something constructive.

As far as I know, our trip to Vegas is still all, albeit we can all get there, we'll just be extra broke...lol...but also, I really really want to go to ComicCon this summer with Heather, think that'd be extra fun for a nerd/dork like me. I think I'd really enjoy all they have there.

I'm sitting in the library, exhausted from a needed quick workout. 24HrFitness is pretty much like any other gym, except there are old people lookin at you along with everyone else. lol I'll get used to it if I want to reach my goals.

What's goin' on here?

2009-01-25T12:37:00.001-08:00

Umm...really?

So...

2009-01-24T14:24:00.001-08:00

I haven't been very much into blogging lately. Mainly because I didn't and don't want to fill my blog with me complaining about my woes and that's really all I have on my mind. I don't want it to seem like I want people to take pity on me, just wish I could open my mind up to other things than the Now.

So, what's new...

Trying to go Vegas for Spring Break.
New nephew...cutest ever, Jeremiah Demetrius McNeil

Club/Bar Quotes and Inner Thoughts Recap

2009-01-04T10:37:00.000-08:00

"I look 15?"

Scarves are not cool when its not cold...queer...

If I look 15, then that makes every old guy that hit on me a pediphile.

Where you from?...

What's your name again?

OOOO white boy!...

where you from?

lets do a lap...

where you at?

no, I really am from houston, just a good mix of boozsie and sass with a dab of smart ass.

Aww...he called me sexy...

Dude, we are 0 for 0, not counting the old guys...

Ok, now you are 1 while im at a point 3, he didnt count bc i knew him before...

that guy has a sheep skin purse...with matching boots...its time to go....

omg, its jason chang!...(ethan green humor)

YAY!...I now look 17...in a bar...where its only 21 and up....HA

WHere you from?

Seriously...am I getting no play today?....

naw...I am...but really?...I thought for a good second there....lol

I am NOT a devil on the inside....mmk, a little....

aww...he's nice for callin me sexy....

where you from?

holla!!

ugh...south beach?!?! boo!!!

man, he looks good for 51...is that makeup?

lets do a lap...

where you at?

twins?...and me in between?...is this basically and literally a fantasy?

where you from?...

ugh...time to go!...DAMNIT, Britney always comes on when Im tryin to make my exit....

I'm enjoying it...

2008-12-28T20:35:00.000-08:00

So...

...I think he likes me...this is all new to me...never really been in a relationship...don't know if I am now...all I know is...I like him...I like being with him...I'm cautious because of course...it's not a fantasy...but it's nice...and I'm too real to not take it for what it is...which is simply...nice...so, while it lasts...I'm going to enjoy it...and I'm...enjoying it...

So...

2008-12-22T18:59:00.000-08:00

...Most of my friends are graduating...I'm not..anytime soon. I'm trying to be content on my reality and the path that I have for myself, but me being judgemental and constantly comparing myself to others, I tend to be jealous and embarrassed. I do NOT need any more negativity in my life.

In an effort to stay focused, I think I need to socially disappear. I know I may lose alot of friends, but its a sacrifice I need to make. I'm not close to many any more and of course, those that I am won't feel effected, especially some of my new friends. It's dramatic and I know I've said it before, but it's something I want to do. I've deactivated my facebook, but I want to keep my myspace up just for fun with flash. I am also going to keep this up, not that many people read it but its therapy for me...I'm also considering starting a new blog...called Confessions of the GBN (Gay Black Nerd), that chronicles some frank stories from my life that I have been reserved to tell but want to.

But we'll see...

Reality Check.

2008-12-21T10:14:00.001-08:00

I'm not as cute/hot as I think I am.

Drinking is not fun and I really shouldn't do it/rely on it for a good time.

The "Scene" was never my thing and I shouldn't try to make it/force it upon myself.

I know who my true friends are but I can't rely on them all the time I feel lonely.

I need to focus on what's important and know that sacrifices have to be made now for my future.

Tired of being emotional. Unhappy. Just Deal.

"He's just not that into you..."

2008-12-13T17:21:00.001-08:00

...I know...

Big Balls.

Life's Too Short

2008-12-12T18:49:00.000-08:00

I don't know whats going on...again...

This is new, never been like this before...

I don't know if you like me...

Like like me...

But I shouldn't ask...

I should just let things be...

Not your fault, I get high hopes...

Large expectations...

I should just let things run their course...

In the mean time, try to let down my high hopes...

And be real...

Life's too short...

Big Balls.

2008-12-08T16:56:00.000-08:00

I'm ready to break.

Everything.

Pissing me off.

Living at home.

Sucks.

Being broke.

Sucks.

Being single.

Sucks.

No, being lonely.

Sucks.

Knowing I have a long way to go.

Sucks.

You know what.

the hilarious lesbian, the exes, the married guys, and hypnotiq & sprite...

2008-12-07T08:04:00.000-08:00

Interesting night I had...let me tell why it came to that first...

I've been really bored with my life...bored in the sense that I'm most likely wasting my youth.

Never been into the gay scene.

More so because I've been judgmental and the crazyness and the whole small world aspect.

Few weeks ago. I decided to just let it go.

Be young. Meet new people. Try to have a good time.

When the perfect guy comes along, he'll come along but mopin at home on my computer is not gonna get me there, no matter if I am lookin for someone that isn't into the scene.

So...met new friends. Went out last night. Was tested.

New friends have had relations with some of the same people I have. No prob. Over it.

Crazy old guys checkin me out. No prob. Over it.

Guys I'm checkin out, not into me. No prob. Over it.

Raging queens from wall to wall. No prob. Over it.

Will I have a good time? Yep. Let go. Be you. Fun.

Not to say that the scene is for me, but when I did let go and stop being judgmental and all up tight, I had a really good time. Danced on the boxes, went up to people I didn't know, chatted, danced, ran into SO many people I did know...dont ask, and had a good time.

Highlights include the hilarious lesbian friend of a friend of a friend. She became my new fave person. Also, the many...many...many...guys I USED to talk to...woah...awkward...naw, not really. apparently it was common. The guys I were really into but when I did go up to them, they turned out to be married, not to each other, but other guys and not the kind you think...the "we have love and trust" kind...boo...sit down and move on...and of course, my hypnotiq and sprite....loves....

So I'm majorly hung over, need to fix my breakfast...drunk txted the one guy I really like and pretty sure I drove him away but I'll get over it...more so because I saw the reality that there are SOOOO many fish in this pond....

A Moment.

2008-11-29T20:30:00.000-08:00

Crying doesn't do anything.

Move on.

Let it pass.

Make it better.

Move on.

Don't bitch.

Keep quiet.

Move on.

Don't look at no one else.

Don't talk about it.

Move on.

Build anew.

Build away.

Move on.

Now.

"how you gon' win, if you ain't right within..."

2008-11-10T15:55:00.000-08:00

Man, I am plagued with thoughts, but I can't wait around for them to organize because then they would fade away, so the blog I go to. Just a warning, this is not a school essay, this is my thoughts so structure will not be present. Just gotta get some things off my chest.

I was at my mother's house, and corrected my little brother when he said the "n" word. Told him how needed to stop saying it and all that jazz, that of which my mother agreed. He then said, that now that we have a black president, he can say it all he wants, to which I replied, that's all the reason to NOT say it.

First off, that word is what it is, a word. But its a racial derogatory word. It's continued usage, by any party and of any connotation (actually derogatory, or in a comradery way), further pushes the racial divide. The fact that we now have a black president, who by the way never really pushed the race card in his campaign, should show that we don't have to be different just because our skin color is different, which still boggles my mind as how it still is or ever was, but I've accepted that its all a part of human social evolution. I mean I can't really stop everyone and because people are gonna be people they are, it will be, but it's not going to stop me from telling people.

On the radio today, the djs were talking about how they don't understand why Obama would want the job if he gets so many death threats. First off, he wanted the job because he knows its his place, his destiny, what he was meant to do. It's his time. And no earthly force could stop him from achieving it. Second, what kind of person backs down, cowards out because people don't approve. You will never be 100% liked by anyone so never coward down to what you believe in, you gotta live YOUR life how YOU see fit and never by anyone. And it's sad that he must go through threats to do that, but he's a strong man and you can not take that away from his character. He knows what lied ahead of him, he knows the path just as I do. Because I know what kind of world we live in, I know what kind of world I live in. And he still did it. And Prevailed. Cannot take that away.

Death threats. This is where I will really ramble because it just...UGHS me. I mean, the fact that, people make threats, think about taking another person's life because you don't like them for what ever reason. I'm not talking about extreme situations where maybe someone killed someone in your fam, yada yada hate. I'm talking about the situation at hand. Those that killed Martin Luther King, those that kill JFK. Those kind of people. I don't understand how someone can be so filled with hate, but I know it exists. I don't understand why people don't focus on bettering their lives and trying to be happy without hurting anyone else. I don't understand how people can't let things go. I don't understand why we just can't leave in peace. I'm not a crazy liberal, I just want everyone to be happy and live their life. I don't want people to take the lives of others, I don't understand. It doesn't make sense. Why would you want to take someone's life, why would you want to hurt someone that means no harm to you. Why are you so filled with hate. I cry these things because I live in this world with this, but I can't do anything about it. Obama is just a man, just a man. A man I pray for. Because he's doing something big. Above this hate. And he knows it, probably more than I do.

I've known it growing up. Always being aware of who I was. The only black kid in most of my classes. The token. I was forced to be aware of who I was. And hated that I had to. But it's prepared me for this time, this day. When being aware, may save my life...and make be the better person I strive so hard to be to maybe do big things to...

above it all...

wasting my life?

2008-11-08T14:10:00.000-08:00

...you ever feel like you are wasting away your life, more specifically, your youth? I keep thinking to myself, I'm only going to be this young for this long, I need to take advantage of it. Then why do I feel like doing nothing, thus wasting away my life? I tell myself, I'm just being patient. Certain things I need to wait on, like finishing school, more specifically, PAYING for school. Or, wait til I feel like my body is at it's most attractive (that of which I am so far away from and can provoke another blog). Then maybe I can afford to go out and party or feel like I may be able to have some fun like the other people my age. Certain potent insecurities I face on the daily that also prevent me from being the youth I should be. So I struggle...days like today when I barely speak out loud, because I'm all alone at home, no one calls, I have nothing to leave the house for, nor anything to do really do, am I wasting my time/youth or being patient?

Breakdown. Maintained.

2008-11-06T15:18:00.000-08:00

...what's really going on?
...if I knew, I'd tell you.
Everything annoys me.
Everything is pissing me off.
I feel like crying.
But know that won't do any good.
Punching a wall. Nope.
Yelling. Not at all.
Why am I so angry? Why am I so sad?
My "problems," all of which I completely own up to and have been for some time, are nothing new. Why do they get to me now?
Have I whole-heartedly forgotten my self ordained mission.
Maintain.
Maintain.
I...I can't. It's really hard.
I know it can be done.
I just know, but I need the strength.
Having the strength makes me the better person I want to be.
I will find the strength.
I calm down.

I'm calm.
I'm better.

This is just one day. No time for breakdowns.
The mission still plays.

I know where I can I get the strength.
Long road ahead. I better find the strength.

Create strength.
Maintain.

Maintained.

Maintain Happiness...

2008-11-03T18:14:00.000-08:00

I need to blog more...
...what to say...
...so much to say...

My mission right now is to maintain my happiness. I'm not a religious person but I do believe that Life is too short and there are so many opportunities that being anything but happy is a waste of time. True, there are so many temptations that may drive you away from that median of happiness but thats why there is a mission. Mission to progress in life and be able to stay strong through all the storms. I have plenty of things going on in my life, a good share of them normally would bring emotions of guilt, depression, anxiety, fear, and frustration, but giving into any of those would not allow me to ascend to the better person I want to become. I am at a crucial part in my life and I know I must maintain my happiness in order to succeed. So, when ever something comes up, I look at it from all perspectives and reason out of it to keep my cool and maintain. I'm already an analytical person anyhow, so it comes easy. But, I'm not going to lie...it's getting real hard.

Silent. Breakdown.

2008-08-11T20:30:00.001-07:00

...staring into nothing, blank faced.
Inner thoughts... "Get up."
Can't.
Blink.
Sigh.
Inner thoughts..."What am I doing with my life?"
Absent minded.
Lost, not confused.
Scared, not anxious.
Its like I'm here, but somehow not.
Look up, no answers.
Look down, cry.
Inner thoughts..."Why?"
Open eyes.
Bright.
Breathe.
Sigh.
Get up.
Go.
Live.
New day.

Posted for the BB, Jo-E.

...I need to get out. Immediately...

2008-06-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

I'm only 21. I shouldn't be dealing with what I'm dealing with. I am completely unhappy. I've been working at the same job for almost 4 years now and right now it's really getting to me. I am so frustrated and completely uncomfortable at work. I don't even know if I can really explain it with out sounding whiny. All I know is, I shouldn't feel like I'm stuck in a job at 21, I shouldn't be this unhappy. I need to get out. Immediately...

My Style

2008-06-02T10:57:00.001-07:00

I watch HGTV constantly. And of course it being a tv network, everything they put on must be mass appealing so naturally, I love everything they do, but sometimes I think, if I had money and my own house, what would I do, better yet, what is my style?
It's hard to choose, even in a hypothetical situation, where resources are unlimited, even money. Some things clash with others even though I love them all, so how does one find that happy medium that appeals. Seems that's what makes a real time designer what they are. We can only look so much at what others put out there but without copy-pasting, it's rather difficult to create our own.
I like so many styles, it becomes overwhelming for me to take sometimes. Natural textures appeal to me greatly. Stones, especially but do I like marbled glossed surfaces or rough natural rock more? Modern contemporary is so relaxing with it's simple clean lines and minimalist design but victorian or even craftsmen style accents are nostalgic of great times in the history of style. Clean glass and new brushed shiny metals are hip and appealing but rustic fixtures and distressed materials create drama in your space. I love it all, so if I was to design my own house, what would I do? Do I put greek style pillars or hang renaissance sconces? Maybe I should have a square bowl sink or a sunk-in natural unpolished marble sink? Creating a different room with a different theme seems tacky but would it satisfy the home owner, me?
I sit here in the library, looking at none other, but design books, just getting inspiration. Meh...passes time. Now, what kinda house do I want?...
Posted from the BB, Jo-E

High Hopes

2008-06-02T06:56:00.001-07:00

We all wish for that great love but reality is that we all, well at least most of us just end up getting hurt, but why? Is it because we succeed at that great love and then when its over we miss it, or is because we have high hopes for the love in the first place? My situations fall in that latter. I never really gain great love but I do get my hopes up, and then BOOM crash and burn on my feelings. I don't really believe in true love in the first place so I can't even begin to reason why or where these hopes come from but as soon as I meet some one new, I retardedly envision a complete relationship and when it doesn't happen, boom. Maybe its just me.

Posted from the Blackberry, Jo-E

Super Annoyed...

2008-05-31T22:33:00.000-07:00

Gah....wtf is going on? New roommate is frying something up in the kitchen...making racket...at midnight...wtf dude, really? I'm already super annoyed at the fact you keep running in and out of your room for whatever reason, every five minutes. And now, I can't sleep because 1. there is a fattening smell in the air, and 2. you are making some much gosh-darn noise. I, as an adult, like to sleep and be quiet, especially when I have work in the morning. Yes, I am officially an adult with adult habits, but regardless, shit, stop making so much gosh-darn noise....GAH! I can NOT wait to live alone.

Moving On...

So, I haven't blogged in a while, but I've been making notes on my blackberry and I def have some little something somethings to say...

Energy or Tension?
It doesn't happen to me often. In public, I'm usually a self-conscious prude, so regardless of the fact that I usually keep my thoughts to myself, anything sexual just doesn't come up, until I'm behind closed doors. But, once in a while, under the blue moon, there will come into my life, that one person, who to me just exudes pure sexual energy that causes all kinds of a stir, and I don't mean of the obvious nature. Let me try to explain what I mean with an exact scenario of mine...
I walk by and see you smile. The curves of your face light my day. My eyes move in to notice the robust of your lips, so smooth in texture and soft in color. I smile a little bit harder. You move your body in a normal fashion, but I notice your large build in the most dramatic way. I look down to not seem so obvious, but my eyes soon find your frame again. You clinch your fist, your forearms strain, biceps curl. My smile fades...in awe. Your skin seems soft and smooth in a comparable context with your lips but doesn't emasculate the musculature of your arms. Skin, like caramel. Somehow, I didn't notice that second button unbuttoned showing more skin, but now I do. I get the feeling like I'm nervous and my skin begins to feel antsy. You say something retarded and stupid, but it doesn't deter my feeling. I am so into you. My body is reacting. I scratch my neck to try to break my awkward stance but somehow an itch accumulates. To not seem so obvious, I walk by and away, now my body feels anxious. Almost ready to explode. Where did this energy come from? As I walk by and feel my energy at its peak and ready to decline, hoping to shake everything that just happened off, I turn my head to say something but instead get a whiff of your sweet scent. It's over.
Now, you may just say that's sexual tension. But trust me, it feels like so much more. My whole body literally becomes filled with the feeling. Ok, it is sexual tension, but how many of you have those individuals that just do it for you? I swear, it's not me, he exudes pure sexual energy and makes me go crazy....too bad he's straight, and not the kind that I may be able to situate in my favor, more on that later. LOL....

Zoo Day

2008-05-24T13:26:00.001-07:00

So, I organized a zoo trip with my mom, brothers, sister-in-law, and horde of nephews today. I'm having a lot more fun than I thought even though its a million degrees and I'm hung over from last night. It was a good turnout and everybody bought me drinks. Needless to say, I got real fucked up. And for some reason, it's like the heat brought out the real hotties too. The employees look like post high school graduates lookin for some summer fun. Ha.

Posting from the BB, Jo-E.

PARTY!!!!

2008-05-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

I am on my way to Dave and Buster's on Richmond to celebrate my birthday, come by and have fun!

Change

2008-05-23T05:03:00.001-07:00

I can't progress without change. Today, I put my resume on monster.com. We'll see what comes from it. It's time I move on from Best Buy. Change is good.

Four Year Plan

2008-05-19T06:46:00.000-07:00

Someone once told me that to accomplish your dreams, you need to make a step towards it everyday until you make it, and when you do, keep steppin' to keep it going. I have dreams, huge ones. But I know how hard it's going to be. How hard it's going to be to remain who I have endured to become but grow at the same time, and how hard it's going to be to make it to the top. But I will, I decree it now, on my 21st Birthday today, that I will make it. Today is my first step.
I've decided to blog on my journey, to record my wisdom, my thoughts, in hopes to maybe entertain some of my friends but more importantly to see for myself my growth. I've given myself a four year plan to get accomplished all I want to but I will keep details to myself. Some things, I need to remain private in order to keep its integrity. So here...it begins, this is theJo-E: blog.