Growing Up

I haven’t blogged in a really long time but that isn’t such a bad thing. I’ve taken some time to further define the person I am and want to become and I can finally say that I’m really liking the person I’m becoming. But it doesn’t mean I’m anything near perfect. Just…I feel like I’m becoming me.

As you know I’ve stopped drinking and really going out for that matter. I just don’t see the use for it, for me specifically. I don’t have a desire to take my body out of it’s equilibrium with a poison if there is no constructive or productive outcome for it, and as well all know…the outcome is anything but productive. So, I stopped. As far as going out, well I do like to dance so I can justify that, but in reality, I’m not looking to associate myself with the kind of crowd that the gay club scene attracts. I feel like at this point in my life, the people I surround myself with need to be people of good substance and someone I can be a better person around. Not saying all the guys are like that that go to these places but the majority are, so I take myself out of the equation, not having the desire or energy to sift through to find the right ones.

I pride myself on my flamboyant personality and ability to fill myself in a crowd, sober or drunk, and my ability to make anyone really like me. It took sometime right there to develop that. I said that if I wasn’t going to fit in, damnit, I was gonna stick way the hell out. And I did, and luckily, I haven’t been beat up yet, but even now, as my insight and foresight grows more mature, I find myself becoming increasingly more uncomfortable in these same crowds. I find people’s drunken behavior obnoxious and pointless and I’m having a hard time finding entertainment with those I’ve always considered my friends. To my core I don’t feel like I’m “better” than them but I feel like I should. That or I need to shift to another crowd or group of friends that maybe have the same values as I do. But that, to me, seems like finding like minded people who mirror me and I know that that’s not possible, to find someone just like me. Damn, if I couldn’t find it in a boyfriend, how am I to find it in friends. That also makes me feel like I’m gearing up to abandon my current friends but I have no reason or desire to abandon years and years of friendship. You hear of people moving on as they get older, but I guess my problem is…I don’t have anywhere to move to. Am I just feeling alone? It’s been a while since I have so I don’t really know how that feels anymore, but am I intellectually bored with my company? Not stimulated in conversation and situations to feel like the person I am and want to become? I don’t know, but only time will tell…plus side…I’m on track and the train is going…no stopping me now.