Twisted. Angry. Tired.

Wow, it's amazing how one night can fill me with so many ideas and just random stuff in my head. Tonight my little brother graduated. Now, if you know me, I think graduation ceremonies, and "ceremonies" in general are outdated and pointless but with the year he's had, it's a major feat for him to have graduated and for that I am proud. But right now I'm so twisted. 

I don't like to go deep into my personal affairs nor my family's but I feel I need to converse about this.

I feel that with his disadvantages, I need to help him get into school and help him through but at the same time, I still need to help myself.  I feel I need to walk him through the processes and how to do everything, but then I think, he's 18 and when I was 18, NO ONE helped me. I did everything for myself, and continue to this day. Sure, my advantages was I had a car and eventually my dad co-signed my loan for my first year. But then I think, I've been working since I was 16, I've paid for all my cars and continue, at this day, I pay for school on my own without any help. 

I basically feel that, I want to help him, but at the same time think about how no one helped me, as far as getting into school and what to do to do it and everything after, and I think about how I still need to help myself. I have plenty of affairs and orders to deal with in order to even get myself to what I would call "Together" so how can I spread my energy and efforts out to someone else, regardless of relation. 

Tonight also brings my anger. I didn't walk at my graduation partly because I wasn't really into the kids that I was graduating with. I came in Junior year and alot of kids were not that nice or cordial, not that it should be surprising, I mean, it is high school in the burbs, but it wasn't worth all the mess to walk across the stage. But then tonight I see all the pomp and circumstance they give at Dickinson for the valedictorian and it reminded me. My GPA at Clear Lake was higher than that of the Valedictorian in my class at Dickinson. But at Clear Lake I was 17%. Could I have been Valedictorian at DHS? Very possibly. Could that have given me better opportunities as far as school goes? Very likely. 4 years later and it pisses me off, what my parents made me do, for their ignorance and misjudgements. I'm angry situations could have been different and I'm angry I can't do anything about them now but still seem to be dealing with the effects. 

I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not doing anything worth wild. I'm tired of feeling insignificant. I'm just tired of it. I talked about being patient, and I know that with time things will happen....but damn...I dunno...